I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
