I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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