i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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