He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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