Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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