she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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