she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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