this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
