I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
