we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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