All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
