Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
