I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
