she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
