I accidentally had phone sex last night
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
