"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize