My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
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