he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
