He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
