Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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