Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
