I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
