I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
