i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
