Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
