i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
