I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
