I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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