i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
