I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
