to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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