so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
