I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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