I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
