i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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