God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
