I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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