hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
