Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
