in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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