i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
