just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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