i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
