When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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