just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
