Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
