She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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