so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
