There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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