does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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