Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
