i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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