There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
