i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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