I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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