I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize