I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
