You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
