we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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