Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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