Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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