I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
