i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
