my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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