Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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