The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
