Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
