Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
