i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i think i just naturally attract stoners
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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